Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
