I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Randomize
