She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I am midnight drunk by noon
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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