We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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