I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
