i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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