don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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