my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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