I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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