Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
