so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
