a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
