What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
