If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
