So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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