Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
