Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
