Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
That reminds me...we need to get swords
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
