It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
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