it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
