A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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