Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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