my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
