I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
he shaved USA in his pubs
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
