There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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