A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
