I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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