My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
