the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
