so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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