Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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