And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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