nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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