I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
