Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
