I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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