Betty ford says i'm here all night
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
