Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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