I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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