the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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