apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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