ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
