textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
