Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
