You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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