Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
