so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
