just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
