I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Randomize
