Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
