She's JV to your varsity
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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